What does perfectionism have to do with self worth?

 

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I’ve always known I was a perfectionist.

My earliest memories include spending hours shaping the prettiest mud pies, having my toys purposefully arranged and keeping a private dictionary of new words – so that I wouldn’t be caught ‘stupid.’

Whether it was needing to recite night readers to my parents without making a mistake, wanting to pirouette the first time I ever attended a dance class, or asking my first crush if I was the best kisser he had ever come across:

I needed to get things right and I needed to get it right the first time.

I believed that if I did what was expected of me all the time and did it exceptionally well, my life would be perfect.

By the time I started university as a teen, perfectionism held me captive.

I starved myself and took double classes at the gym or dance studio, to ensure my weight remained a ‘perfect’ 48kg.

I spent countless late nights editing and refining work, that could have been completed competently, in less than half the time.

I was the cleanest, tidiest, most polite (and possibly most annoying) house-mate; crying when my friends failed to keep to our weekly chore schedule.

(excerpt taken from Making Peace with Perfectionism)

What does perfectionism have to do with self worth?

These compulsive patterns of behavior are an intricate form of distraction.  A way to disconnect from the fear of not being good enough.

We fool ourselves into believing that we are pursuing excellence, in all areas of our life, at all times (as it that is even possible!).

We hustle, to to gain approval in the eyes of others, even though we have no ability to control how we are perceived.

Perfectionism propels us to try harder, do better, be more AND THEN, we will agree to accept ourselves.

 This is the dark side of perfectionism – the feeling that we have to prove our worth, do better, be the best.

And while a lot of us recognize and identify ourselves as perfectionists, we are yet to claim the heavy shame that accompanies a lifetime of perfectionism.

Shame researcher and recovering perfectionist, Brene Brown places it beautifully, when she writes:

Perfectionism is addictive because when we invariably do experience shame, judgment, and blame, we often believe it’s because we weren’t perfect enough so rather than questioning the faulty logic of perfectionism, we become even more entrenched in our quest to live, look, and do everything just right. Feeling shamed, judged, and blamed (and the fear of these feelings) are realities of the human experience. Perfectionism actually increases the odds that we’ll experience these painful emotions and often leads to self-blame: ‘It’s my fault. I’m feeling this way because I’m not good enough.’- Brene Brown

 So where do we begin? How do we overcome perfectionism?

I can only speak for myself (and for the dozens of women that I have recently coached on this issue), and this is what I have found:

:: To make peace with perfectionism, we need to learn how to separate ourselves from the voice that says our best is not good enough.

:: We need to ‘claim our shame’ – to understand that this is a universal human experience and one that is best treated with the daily practice of self-compassion and shame resilience.

:: It helps to spend time examining how perfectionism is impacting your life (it shows up differently for each one of us) before we begin challenging it.

:: It’s about developing awareness of the self-destructive behaviours and thoughts we engage in as Perfectionists and effectively making Peace with them.

 

What if your Perfectionism doesn’t need to be ‘fixed?  What if it just wants to be heard, explored and met with radical acceptance and curiosity?

 

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ANNOUNCEMENT:

For the remainder of May, I am offering my coaching tool – Making Peace with Perfectionism for the steal price of $7 (usually $29)

It includes recorded mp3 of a live coaching call and a self coaching workbook.  You can find out more here.

 

 

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Comments

  1. Oh girl you are so productive and getting so many great products out there for people! I am still trying to pull one together. Wish I had a sharp partner like you with some time on their hands.
    Jodi @ Heal Now recently posted…How do I get off my anti-depressants?My Profile

  2. “What if your perfectionism doesn’t need to be fixed?” Those inquiries light me up so much – especially because at one point, I wore that “perfectionist” title like a badge. “I’M A PERFECTIONIST! I DO AMAZINGLY WELL AT EVERYTHING. (Except I actually think I’m a failure…)”

    It definitely feels like a prison… but what if we approached it from a different angle? Everything changes.

    Loved this post, Kirri! x

  3. Sadly I am not really a perfectionist as such, but \I don’t like sloppy thinking or people who don’t try so perhaps I am a closet perfectionist. I will have to think about this some more. Good on you for getting my noodle going
    countingducks recently posted…You Would Not Love Me NowMy Profile

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